Shortly after my last post, I did go binge. I simply had to. I am programmed, us humans are easily programmed. Most people are programmed to eat butter soaked buckets of popcorn with tubs of coke when they go see a movie in theatures, some are programmed to think that just because you're eating a slice of toast, it needs butter. I however, am programmed to starve, then binge and purge.
Side note: When I binge, only on rare occasions do I binge as a full on Bulimic would, as in, never have I ever binged on more than 3000 calories at one time. I have binged on 2500 calories or so and then purged and a few hours later done it all again three or four times in the day. But I have never done it all like some say they do, some say they binge on 10,000 calories at one time. The binges here at my grandpa's house range from 1500-2300 calories I would assume or less. I don't count calories during a binge. But due to the fact that he has like, no food here, because he doesn't eat very much and only eats his ridgid foods, there's not much "binge food," and I spent all my money. All of his normally "Fattening" condiments that I smother things like bread with for lubracant effects, are all non-fat, low-fat, ultra-non-fatfree..
Oddly, when I binge and purge, during the purging, I am much to frantic during the binge to think, but while purging I often get very philisophical metaphorical ideas. I thought, while I was toward the end of the purge. I was at what I call the "water flush" phase, finding a few stubborn pasta noodles, that an eating disorder is like a one way street. You are on your "road of life," and you just so happen to see all these Billboards saying: "Want to feel amazing? Want to feel euphoric all the time?! Do you have no control over your life? Take the next Exit on the right onto: ED boulovard."
You get onto the ED street, believing the billboards that never ever ever end.. because there is ALWAYS an exit to this magical place, and you start driving just to find that it gets dark very fast, all of a sudden and you can't see anything. You look up and realize that your rear view mirror is suddenly gone, where did it go? You see nothing, you don't know where you are going, all you see is the dim headlights in front of you, RIGHT in front of you, keeping you in the now. You are absolutely terrified to go any faster (eat any more) because you might run into something, you might crash. You are stuck on a one way street, your reverse is gone too, and the road is so narrow, you can't turn around on it, you just keep going forward. Because you forgot how to turn your brights on for some reason, you don't realize all the side roads and turn arounds that you pass, leading you back to the highway.
It is only you in the car because your car suddenly only has a one person compasity, you are alone.
You never will see the ledge until it's too late, and you drive right off and fall into oblivion.
The only one a sure way out, is to remember how to turn on your headlights. But you can't find the switch, you have to find the switch.
I have searched everywhere and my switch does NOT exist.
No comments:
Post a Comment