Finally, I can purge without doing this to my hands. It has been getting easier and easier to just..blah.. But today for the first time I purged without my hands at all. My stomach muscles just contract just the right way, I push in the right places.. and out it comes.
I couldn't sleep last night, because all I could think about was how fat I am, and now when I see Nancy she's not going to think I'm really doing bad, because I look like an elephant. Even though my father commented yesterday on the fact that I keep losing weight rapidly, my mom told me it is getting way out of control again. I don't see it, I see such a fat person in the mirror. I try clothes on obsessively to make sure they're still baggy, measure myself, weigh myself. I am losing, but I don't see it. I never see it. Wouldn't matter if I was 600 pounds or 60 pounds, I would see something similar. Ha, that's an exaggeration, but you get the point.
(part 2)
ReplyDeleteYou are not a hopeless cause. Maybe I don't have a right to say that because I don't know who you are. But all those thoughts about how bad of a person you are and how you're not worth anything, or anyone's time? I've had those too. And sometimes I still have them, but others remind me that I am worth it. I don't feel like I am, but people in my life, similar to your mom and sister, wouldn't commit themselves to something they see as a hopeless cause. Just their commitment to you signals hope.
I don't know if you think this way but sometimes I think similar to what it seems you think, that if I just went through my pain alone, then no one else would hurt. In my pride, I put up a wall that told others, "I can handle this; don't get yourself involved" when I know that I really can't handle this by myself, behind the wall. And then I took a brick out of the wall, stared at the people on the other side, and found that some of them want to hurt with me, that they want to carry some of the burden on my shoulders. No human can take the full weight of what you're going through and not everybody is willing to take a piece of your hurt but for those that are willing, give them a piece of your hurt and let them walk with you, because that's all they really want to do. Just walk with you, with the pain and the hurt.