Nancy didn't fix me today, being fixed from this problem doesn't happen in just a one hour session with your amazing therapist.
But Nancy rubbed some of the vomit off my vision of the world and helped me see things I didn't know were there. They've been there a long time without me even knowing. I guess that's what happens when you build a wall around.
When I told Nancy that it was like looking over a foggy bridge trying to find freedom from my eating disorder cycles, she told me that there was another way to see it. She told me that it's more like having a string, and every step I take that I am adding a Pearl, and eventually I will have a irreplaceable Pearl Necklace.
She also told me that I needed to keep a feelings journal, where I would write my feelings. She told me it cannot have to do with food, or fat. Because she knows I have lots of those journals, she took one that she still has filled with "pig," stuff. She said I need to face my feelings rather than numb them with my eating disorder. I don't want to feel, I hate feeling. I cannot control rage, but when I am starving I don't have the energy to be in total rages, so it all works out.
(part 3 - sorry it's broken up into parts on three diff posts - the commenting apparatus is a little weird)
ReplyDeleteI am a self-proclaimed mess and although society generally tells me that people like me don't fit anywhere because somehow I have to be perfect and contribute rather than take, I know I'm not perfect and I really can't contribute at this time so I take. I oftentimes feel like I AM a mess, and that the mess defines me. The mess is not who you are as a person but something you are going through. It took me such a long time to actually grasp this concept. I know I said earlier that I'm a self-proclaimed mess but what I really meant was messy. But that would be hard to summarize in three words. I have messy thoughts, messy feelings, and messy problems so sometimes I feel like a mess. But what I am, and I think you are too, is messy, not a mess.
You probably know better than me that recovery doesn't come overnight. I hope that you're not expecting yourself to "get over it" quickly and because you can't, then give up on yourself. I've just started recovery a couple months back and don't know how long this road is, or when it's going to end but all I know is that there is the other side. Compassion means "to suffer with." Let other people suffer alongside you. Let other people carry you, especially when you have no strength left. Because Jenny, you're worth it.