Treatment

Have not written on here in quite a long time.

As I write, I sit in the backyard at a residential treatment center in Nevada for my anorexia/bulimia. The eating disorder was killing me. My live revolved between the kitchen, the bathroom, drive-thrus, and the gym. I had no friends, no future, and 24/7 of my life was dedicated to binging, purging, and starving. 

So I have embarked on this adventure of "recovery," despite my previous hatred for the term and action. I initiall thought recovery meant fat, and meant failing. Squishy, flabby thighs and a roll covered stomach. But I have come to decided that a chance at a life is worth becoming "fat." I know logically I have never been close to overweight, and I won't get there in treatment, but I cannot let go of the overwhelming fear that I am. I already feel fat and have been here for 7 weeks. My nutritionist here, who is a mad scientist with her calculations and is one of the smartest people I've met, told me I was "hard to look at," and "need to restore weight." So I am trying to put my faith into this program and believe that eventually it will all work out. I am on a pretty astronomical calorie amount.

Example day of my eating here:

-3 eggo waffles with a light smear of margarine, an apple, a cup of soymilk, and 2 tblsp of jam.

-A protien nutrition ice cream made shake, with crackers and cheese.

-A whole sandwich with cheese, miracle whip, tofurkey, and veggies, with cheetos, a cup of soymilk, and a side of applesauce

-A costco muffin

-4 oz. of Chikn nuggets, with a cup and a half of macaroni and cheese.

And it varies day to day. But I feel as if I am going to BURST at the end of each day. I cannot even straighten my spine some days. I have really fucked up my body. My intestines don't absorb food right, my stomach hurts like hell, I can't shit. Bulimia really fucked with it all in there. But they say it is a process and will get better. I must or I think I'll really just...pop.

My mottos since coming here have been:

"Ride the wave,"

"Just do it," 

"It will pass."

All are great to say at meal times, and just in general. Treatment is hard, but this time I am dedicated to get my life fucking back. I don't give a damn if I end up "Fat," at least I will be ME, and alive.