Disappearing

Disappearing

            My eating disorder stemmed from many different places. One place for me was the want to be transparent in my environment. I wanted to not cause problems or stir up dust, and I did not want any sort of target on me. I felt that by being large or needing anything made me have a target on me. My eating disorder began primarily in this area, I wanted to shrink and not be a target, and I wanted to not need as much.

If I were to ‘reappear,’ I feel that I would cause chaos. I feel that my eating disorder has kept me from having to play a role in the toxic dynamics of my family. If I reappear I will have to somehow play into these dynamics, or abandon them, which would emotionally wreck me. With the eating disorder I can hold somewhat of an ‘Idle,’ status in this and not have to choose between those two options.

I feel that if I am “seen,” I will instantly be expected to play into the dynamics; I will no longer be ‘sick,’ and ‘incapable,’ of taking a spot in the sick games of my parents. While growing up, I was often forced into picking a side, holding secrets, and taking verbal and emotional abuse. I still have felt and been dealt these with my eating disorder, but it numbs me to an extent that I no longer suffer as much as I did when I was fully emotionally equipped to deal with this.

I feel stuck in this eating disorder because I do not want to deal with making any of those decisions I placed above.

          Another aspect of my ‘disappearing,’ act, is that it causes disruption in the dynamic of my family, where I used to play a vital role, there is now an empty void. This forces my family to acknowledge there is an issue. If I played back into the dynamic I would be giving up on the power I have over the void that I have placed.

The changes this void has created are situations such as, when my parents have a fight, my mother no longer will threaten suicide, she no longer will scream obscenities for hours on end, and does not come to me crying to tell me how she wants to die, by not having me as a crutch and there to stop her from her suicide threats, she has been forced to deal with her problems in a more appropriate and ADULT manner. I used to feel like the adult in situations like this because I had to take care of her so much. I love my mother, I want to care for her, and I have found that she has changed dramatically since the eating disorder entered the household and I don’t want her to go back.

Basically, I feel like my eating disorder has created an imbalance in the dynamic, and I am just waiting for some sort of revelation to happen, and I feel scared to give this up.