Right now, I feel like hell.
I am freezing. I can't sit up straight.. I feel like I am curling into myself, like I am going to curl up like a rollie pollie (pill bug) into a round ball and close up to the world forever.
As I expected, I did binge on the Mazatlan. The pizza too. I binged on that this morning after mom left for work, she wasn't even out the door five minutes and I was in the fridge stuffing it into my mouth as fast as I possibly could, chuggin water and coffee. I binged on other things, lots of things. I am so ashamed for this behavior. I am so ashamed that I eat so much, like a pig. I shovel dollars and dollars of food, food that others would eat, food that starving people in third world countries would love to have. Just so that I can throw it all up.
I think it is selfish and needy and greedy and DISGUSTING, but yet I cannot stop. I get so starving, and once I start eating I am like, "I am going to barf it anyways, eat it ALL."
After that binge/purge I went to take my dog to the groomers, after dropping him off I stopped by the store to get fruit and raisins and nuts. I ended up getting yogurt too, thinking of how yogurt makes purging so much easier. Then I decided that since I had three dollars in my purse I could buy a cinnamon roll with frosting on it to binge on later. I walked by this pastry around 15 times trying to tell myself I didn't need to get it, but it was only 50 cents, and I only have this day left for binge/purging since mom's off work for the next three days. I got the damned pastry.
I ended up adding more to it, but this was initially what I binged on for my second binge of the day. I purged it all pretty well, purging seems to get easier and easier. It used to get hard after a week or so because of my gag reflex. But lately it's to where I don't even really need my fingers at all. Just bend over and press on my stomach, contract my muscles just the right way and blaaaaaaaaaaaaah! It all comes out.
Behold, the disgusting reality:
Why post this? Well to show nasty reality of Bulimia, it's disgusting. It's not pretty pretty mia darling. It's nasty and smelly and horrible.
Bulimia is your hands being raw and bruised.
Bulimia is your face being puffed and sore.
Bulimia is your mouth raw and burning. Your teeth yellowed and chipped.
Bulimia is your stomach swollen and aching.
Bulimia is not being able to swallow even drinks after purging.
Bulimia is red broken blood vessles all over your chest and face.
Bulimia is yellow fingernails.
Bulimia is lying to everyone.
Bulimia is spending your graduation money on food.
Bulimia is stealing food.
Bulimia is eating out of the trash.
Bulimia is hell.
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