As scared and isolated as I feel with my eating disorder, I also just want to be let go so I can suffer on my own. Not because I sensationalize the idea of being broken and alone blah blah. It terrifies me, I am so scared of my eating disorder I can't even say. I don't want to be seen as dramatic and theatric, but at the same time I don't feel it's right to be needy and greedy and allow other's to sacrifice so much and put so much into a potentially very pointless cause.
I abuse, I lie, I manipulate, I neglect, and I crush all the relationships I have. Therefore I don't create any new ones. I did, back in January reach out, and try to live recovered while still binging and purging, I created a friend in the world, a few friends, a potential boyfriend. It was all a giant fucking mistake. What the hell was I thinking? Two people specifically, the boy and my friend Brandi are both being hurt. And the thing is that I am just going to watch them suffer while ignoring all calls, all messages, all attempts at anything. Everything they did was for nothing, all that we did together was for nothing.
To me friends are useless, because I can't treat them right. Boyfriends are even more useless, because I know that I can't even begin to invest in that sort of relationship in the slightest.
Family is the worst case for me, I am loved. My mother loves me, my sister loves me.
"I won't give up on you."
God I hate that line.
I just want to yell at them, "JUST LET ME GO, PLEASE!" Because I am pointless, I am not worth the effort because I will never get better, they will just try and try and it's all for nothing at all.
Hey Jenny, I don't know who you are but I just wanted to tell that YOU, Jenny the liar, abuser, manipulator, one who neglects, are worth it. You are worth sacrificing for because your mom and your sister love you. They're not sacrificing of themselves for your characteristics - whether those character traits are good or bad doesn't matter, because they're sacrificing for you, the person, for you, your mom's daughter and your sister's sister.
ReplyDeleteOftentimes the world paints a picture of the needy as people who have something inherently wrong with them, and therefore mainstream society distances itself from "the needy." But...everyone's needy except for those who have found their purpose in life. Most people just know how to hide their neediness very well.
I don't know if you'll even read this or what, and I can't pretend to know what you're going through but I know what being scared, isolated and broken feels like. I'm broken right now and there are times when, like you, I see the other side but don't feel as if I can get there. There are also other times when I feel as if I can, but not by my own strength. So I lean on others' strength for me. Is it easy? You're probably the first one to know it isn't...it's not for me or the people around me but I want to get to the other side. I'll be the first one to say I am needy, and I do need other people to help me through to the other side.