So close, yet so far away.

So close, yet so far away. It is the story of my life. 

Not always, but most of the time. I am not being a pessimist, I am not being woe is me. I am just stating this as a pure fact, and most of the time it is to no fault but my own.

Today while the family was bowling I had this thought when I bowled and had knocked all pins but one. 

So close.

I rolled and my ball didn't even miss the pin by a centimeter.

I have had the though of, "So close yet so far away," before, but it hit me again.

I am so close to living a life of freedom from my eating disorder, because I know exactly what healthy eating means. I know the "tools," to recovery. I know all the facts about how many calories I need per day, how much exercise, health facts blah blah. Yet, I cannot act upon them. I can say, "I will eat a healthy and balanced diet and exercise moderately!" I can say this and smile even, but can I do it? No.

If I am not bingeing, just the thought of food in my mouth, on my tongue, or the smell or sight of food is enough to make my heart beat harder, and my anxiety sky rocket, my thighs to feel suddenly as if they are growing, my stomach giant. I just hear it over and over in my head.. "A fat cell is forever, a fat cell is forever." 

I see the other side, but I can't get there.