PANCAKES

Last night, I did the inevitable task of eating dinner. But that's not all...
That's not all at all... Nope.

I am terrified of carbs, unless it's during a binge.
I am mortified of Syrup, at any time.
I am even more terrified of butter, it's satanic.

But, I decided that I would eat. I would eat in the name of my future. I would eat in the name of my mother, and my sister. I would eat in the name of my Grandma whom I spent the last year of her life with my head down a toilet never going to see her. I was mad, I was scared.

I allowed mom to make the Pancake mix. (Mix, one Egg, 1 tbsp of Veg Oil, and 1 cup of 1% milk.)
I put blueberries in my pancake. Unlike regular meals, I didn't obsess and stand over her, telling her just how to make it, just how I wanted it, how I wouldn't eat it if ____.. I didn't do any of that. Because my mother works hard damn it! My mother slaves all day at work, and slaves to make the family happy.
She worries to death over me, and always wants to make sure "Jenny will just eat.. at least something."
I didn't want her to stress over me another day.

She made the Eggs, she gave me the last of the Organic eggs, she cooked it in a TINY TINY TINY smear of real butter. (NOT cooking spray chemicals..but BUTTER!) I watched wide-eyed. I wasn't going to put that in my napkin, or my sleeve. But tonight.. I would eat it.

She made Bacon (But that doesn't matter, I don't eat bacon.. she didn't expect me to..)

She got out the syrup, which is real syrup. No High Fructose Corn Syrup, natrual, tree syrup.

My tension rose and rose and rose.. Because this was the first meal I planned on eating and not stuffing somewhere or purging. I hadn't eaten all day long, (I had binged/purged. Doesn't really count.) and I thought, "What makes me so special that I shouldn't eat."

I got my pancake (A little bigger than my hand all opened up.) I put on the thinnest layer of friut preserves, and then got my egg (I did dab off traces of butter.) I got my small apple that I had diced into bird bites.. I finally got to the syrup. Not in YEARS had I eaten syrup outside of a BP cycle.. NEVER.. YEARS!
I poured on a small amount, pulling back to avoid getting too much. I ended up with about one and a half tablespoons.

I sat down next to my mom, with the "root beer," (It was a root beer in a bottle. I felt horrible but I just couldn't drink that 180 calories. So I gave the root beer out of the bottle to Emily and I poured Diet Dr Pepper into the bottle, recapped it, and put it in the fridge for this meal. So the illusion was that I was eating this big meal, and drinking this caloric big drink. I felt aweful for the manipulation, but I just had to get my mom some reassurance that I am doing fine because I can't handle watching her fall to bits and pieces because I cannot just damned eat.

I ate a little over half the pancake, I ate the blueberries inside first, then the outer edges, then the outside layer of some of it. The white of the egg, I chopped and smashed the yellow part so it looked half eaten, I ate the skin off each bird piece of apple. I drank all of the "root beer."

Mom went to take her shower, which is usually my task after a meal so I can purge. I decided to take mine too. I thought I would purge. But instead I talked to mom for a while before my shower, about her day, my day, plans, laughs, anything. I knew I was playing against myself, naturally I would practically kill anyone keeping me from the bathroom. I ended up purging for about two minutes, getting out a little pancake and blue berries, but only about two bites total.. Then I made myself stop. Yes, for the first time in history I sucessfully stopped myself from a potentially sucessful purge.

I felt empowered.

I still did 200 cruches after my shower..

I cried that night because in the sum of it all, I really didn't accomplish anything that will take me to freedom or a truthful life. It was just one night, just one meal. I can't do it for every meal, or every dinner.

I am scared.