There's a Balloon inside my stomach.

I lost more weight, I don't know if I am happy, or if I am sad.
I of course, feel better the lower my weight drops, I feel more clean, more pure, more able. I feel accomplished and deserving. My ability to starve makes me sane.

Today I weighed the same exact weight as I did the day before. But my weight drops about 2 lbs every two days. Weird, but that's how it always goes when it's dropping.

I am unsure of how I can hide it, my initial thought is "I want to go HOME!" because it is way to easy to get away with this here, and I am trapped with it. I can't get away, and my grandpa sure as heck isn't going to notice or give me support to stop. If anything, Mr.Self-Control makes it a bit worse.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Grandpa, I love him so much. I want to take care of him while I live here to go to college, and I want to make him proud of me. He was a man who invented many things, who has his NAME along with a whole bunch of folks, printed on a rock on MARS. He had his own buisness with my Grandma, and was even a pilot. But he is a competitor. He is a perfectionist. He likes to be Pure too. He hates the thought of messy, needy, humanities such as eating. That is why about seven years ago he went from 200+ pounds to weighing somewhere in the 115 range.

Now, he will eat, but he eats to maintain. He eats and denies himself certain things. It makes him feel empowered.

Today, after lunch (his life revolves around lunch most days.) Where he had one english muffin, two eggs, 2 slices of ham, cheese on top, three of four bites of salmon, and 1/2 cup of frozen yogurt ice cream. When we walked out he said. "Oh god, I'm so full of calories, I am going to be a Blimpie! Oh I look like a Blimp." As he looked over in the mirror at the exit of the restaurant. I think they put it there to torture people since they are a buffet style Brunch place with only ceasar salad and everything swarming in calories and grease.

It was the first meal I have eaten in days that I kept in. I had about six raw scallops, one raw shrimp (not literally raw, raw as in no seasonings or crust) 3 small bites of egg, the crust of french toast, three bites of the crust of a waffle (no butter, no syrup) 3 strawberries, 5 blueberries, 5 blackberries, four cubes of random fruit, some lettuce I took that was meant to be decoration on a pasta tray, it was romaine, it was better than that ceasar salad they had. Some random veggies (about 1/4 a cup) 4 bites of salmon, 1/2 tsp of crushed walnuts, 2 cherries, this funny twig thing that probably wasn't meant to be eaten, 2 bow tie pasta noodles. 4 cups of straight black coffee.

I felt like I wanted to purge afterwards, but I couldn't. I swear my stomach was going to explode, like... not because I was binge full, I didn't binge. I ate, but just eating feels like it's tearing my insides to shreds, probably because it's not used to digesting food normally.

I came home, and went on a run/walk. I intended to run alot more, but the pain was absolutly unbearable. So I ran about 1.8 miles, and walked really fast for around four. Five miles. Hopefully that's more calories that I ate.

I should, but I don't have the mental compatibly to calculate the calories right now. Normally they would already be calculated, written somewhere, and I would be torturing myself over them. But I just feel too bad.

I feel like shit.

I binged and purged early this morning. My throat is fucked beyond belief.

I know if I even step into the kitchen I will binge and purge dinner foods, but I really want to just skip eating dinner all together. I can't take it, I don't have the energy for a binge/purge. Everything hurts too bad, and I am sick of the alternate life.